I wish. I completely fail.

I just spent a day with you, but I didn't want to talk. Gysele said that you only wanted someone to fuck around with but your with her. What did you say to her to make her go on your side???

You even know I like you, but you've done everything to ignore the fact that you do know. Please go the fuck away, I'll never get over you at this rate. My emotions have never been stable, I guess you can blame me for not going for the gold. But I'm tired of trying, and tired of being the one to take initiative. If you don't care about me tell it to my fucking face. Then leave me alone. I don't want any of your crap.

If this keeps going on I'll only begin to hurt myself even more, I'm even starting to think about cutting myself. Suicide may be just around the bend.

Don't tell me I'm beautiful when you don't care, because it tells me nothing. I'm not pretty, I'm not cute, and I'm most certainly not beautiful. I'm fat, ugly, and disgusting.

LEAVE ME ALONE UNLESS YOUR GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Just go back to her, and I wish HER all the luck in the world. NOT YOU.

... that whenever I get off a 6 hour shift at Marsh I'm completely loopy?

No seriously, my mind is always off to cloud nine or whatnot by the 5th hour. It kinda sucks because I had to skip Youth Group tonight. Boo. But nothing I could do about it. I don't want to go through the hassle of trying to switch shifts, its a pain in the ass to even try. I need to quit, I want to quit, but don't have to guts to tell my dad I want to quit.

Some other day maybe.....

Last night we had band practice at my house, it was well......... interesting. Half the time was spent playing Soul Calibur 3 and the other half was actual practice. You Know Who was there, and we talked about stuff. (Still doesn't like to disclose names)

Hmmmm.......

Oh, I was also called a whiny dumb bitch on Friday. :D Gotta love people who you hate. Well, I didn't really hate her before that, I was just indifferent. Now I don't like her at all. Whatever. I always thought she hated me. But I'm royally pissed at one of my friends who I thought was loyal, but he just sat there and ate his food. There were ways to settle down a fight without making both people hate you. But he chose a side. I not mad at him for that, but because he didn't even try.

I just guess you can't trust those preppy types.

Yeah, it's true. I'll give up my happiness for the happiness of others. I'm not sure if I updated and told you all but I got a boyfriend and broke up with him. Lasted about 3 months(?) but I really couldn't care less. So word of advice. DON'T DATE DRUGGIES. It never ends out good. Especially when you straight-edge.

So yeah, getting back to topic. I learned the day of breaking up with BF, that someone I liked before liked me. (I never say names) So I'm all flustered because I still am not used to people like ME, since who I date is usually I like them they date me. I've never actually been turned down but I rarely get the courage to ask so it isn't very often.

But I felt I couldn't date him.
A) Just broke with BF, still kinda feeling sad and stuff
B) I know that he's in love with someone else.

So what happens is that we go to see Cloverfield with other friends, and person he loves if there (awkward). It goes a fine and dandy (except I poked him in the eye when the monster flew at the helicopter). Later on though I get all nervous. I feel like I'm in heaven, but I feel like a horrible person all at the same time. So later when he asks what wrong I tell hi a lie, that its too soon for me to date again. I GIVE HIM UP. Then the next fucking day he's dating the girl he loves. I don't know her feeling for him, so I can't be sure. But feel used. Again. All last week, I'm thinking about him. Yesterday when we hung out he kept teasing me. He would put his face next to mine. Close enough to KISS and he'd ask "Is this awkward?" Nope, I was about to die from happiness. But he doesn't know.

My heart has a dull lump in it. I wish you knew I gave him up for you. I hope you treat him well, because I feel like I'm not worthy. So you better treat him well.

Why did I give him up? Because I have a fear of dating. But I can't help but be drawn to the idea of it. I don't feel like I'm ever good enough.


My god. My heart hurts.

Please let it stop.

I wish I knew how to get through my fucking "emo" stage. But I never EVER fucking show it in front of my friends. They don't deserve that kind of trust. I can't trust anyone, I want out. I'm terrified of getting my fucking wisdom teeth out tomorrow, but I can't tell anyone. I don't trust them. Not even my boyfriend. I don't think things are going well between us anyway. I'm tired of this. I just want someone who supports me, but that never happens. Guys aren't like they say they are in the movies or books. They don't support their girl. Everyone knows that we're walking emotional wrecks. But they aren't there for you, they never are now, and never will be. I just want to sit there and not feel anything.


But one thing I know. I'll never get over him. Ever. I wish I could have been with him. I thought I could forget you once I started dating someone. But that feeling is still there. I want him so fucking bad. Too bad you'll be gone within this next year.

I miss you.

Well, almost.

I'll be back at school starting next Tuesday. My sister's getting dropped off at Perdue on Saturday. And well, everything just seems hectic. But really right now I want everything under control, but lord knows that's not going to happen.

I'm sinking back into one of those "I really could care less" moods, also popularly known as depression. No its because of school, its because I may be moving back in Dublin, Ohio where I last lived. As a stand point I would go back and have a few friends (I lost contact with a few and some of those who are in contact with me have been ignoring me pretty much). But my main concern is my friends here. I've grown incredibly close with many of them and just thinking about leaving them makes me want to cry. I have more friends here than I ever have in my entire life combined. I just like being with them. I've begun to trust them more and more, and leaving them would be so hard.

But I can't just think about me. My dad should take this job. He'll be a freaking vice president!!! It would help out tremendously with my sister's college tuition. And if he really wants it then I shouldn't stop him. I mean I knew about this weeks ago, but then it wasn't too much a reality because he just thought as it as a joke. But now that he met up with the people at Cardinal Health its seems almost too real and too much to handle.

Sorry about taking out my emotions on this journal, but its the one place where I can let my emotions go.

I feel like I should tell people some of the reasons why I'm fucked up.

Why I'm always smiling: When I was little I had no friends. I followed the popular kids around trying to fit in. So I smiled and laughed at jokes I didn't understand. This programming is still there today and its too hard for me to not laugh now. So when I'm acting angry and mean if you get me to smile, its not an accomplishment. I just can't help it.

Why I don't trust people: I've been betrayed by too many people, and I refuse to tell people simply who I even like. Because I've been singled out for that before and I refuse to be again.

Why I can't maintain a relationship: I always become nervous once I get a Boyfriend and then I try and rive them away because I'm truly not worth it.

For those who read this, I hope you'll understand me better. I'm glad and proud to have so many friends. I love you all.

I'm laughing out loud, right now. I went on my Myspace page, and there where TONS of messages. All because I wrote something similar to my last entry. I love the fact that people are like making it a mad dash to hang out with me. But its too late. They should have thought about that awhile ago, although Jennie I have to give you credit, you DID try and hang out with me. Too bad I had to work. D: It seems like they think I'm going to commit suicide or whatnot. Freaking hilarious. This is why I love the fact the no one actually visits my livejournal, I can laugh at them, being all "worried" about me. They aren't. They never have been. Maybe because I never showed my true feelings at school. I guess I just messed everything up then. Oh well. That's me. So full of mistakes.

For those that did read this journal, which I'm putting here just in case, have fun doing whatever. I'm not going to be there. Because I'm never even noticed in the first place. (Except for what people think are suicide notes. It would have been better if it was a suicide note)

I'M GOING ON AN EMO RAMPAGE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT!!!!

I hate summer. There, my big fat stupid secret is out. I hate summer. No one contacts me(even though I make and effort to stay in touch with them), no one cares, no one fucking gives a shit about me. I'm tired of always saying we'll hang out when no one actually cares if I'm there or not. I'm sooo fucking sorry about not being as memorable as Brogan or Olivia. (I'm not putting hate out to you two) But this has gone on far too long. I get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, this summer won't be so bad. Maybe I'll hang out with tons of people and go to tons of parties. But so far, I haven't seen one fucking person. And I'm so fucking tired of being forgotten about. If you want me to go away, THEN TELL IT TO MY FUCKING FACE!!!! I'M TIRED OF GETTING MY HOPES UP!!!!! Leave me alone from now on. Don't talk to me at school, don't call, don't make an effort because you surly couldn't before! I'm fucking tired of this constant ache in my heart, a dull pounding that's constantly there. Just go away.

So summer has come and now everyone has time on their hands. Except for the summer jobs, vacationing at some place where your bound to get sun burned, and of course, spending time with friends. If your not doing any of the above then I have a nice list of books to read to fill up that summer reading program that you signed up for. Unless your parents signed you up forcefully. Well anywho, I've known that finding a good book nowadays is harder than it sounds. I mean, all that Moby Dick and Shakespeare that your English teacher practically had to shove down your throat isn't all that interesting nor easy to read/understand. Come on people. Is it so hard to just let us read what we want to??? Well, I guess not. This list is of books that I've personally read and enjoyed and of some that seem good but I really don't have the slightest clue that it will become a thumbs up in my library.

Books I've Read:

The Blue Girl by Charles de Lint
Well, what can I say. It has a fun mix of fantasy, trying to avoid the school bully and not get killed by some weird shadows that just love to stalk you and eat up your yummy soul. The faeries that love to make a nerd think that he can fly, but then fall to his doom to the normally hard concrete below. All that and a bag of tricks. A good read. Hell, it better have when I rented it. It was rated a Rosey book by my school.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
I would be surprised if you haven't read this already. Considering that this was her first novel its written extremely well. You feel the emotion and it keeps you on your toes. (not literally of course) It has your typical outcast kinda girl, falls in love with vampire, vampire has issues with the fact he's in love, blah blah blah. But its still a good read for all the vampire lovers out there. New Moon, Twilight's sequel, is already on the shelves and it ready to be devoured if you liked the first book. This more follows our heroins relationship with her friend who finds out that he not as normal as he thought he was. (I'm not giving everything away!) And the third, and maybe final, book Eclipse is being released early August. At this point I don't know the exact plot nor what will happen in the finale. But its bound to be good. There's even been hints that a movie might be made off of Twilight. But don't keep your fingers crossed.

Dangerous Angels: The Weetzie Bat Books by Francesca Lia Block
Not many people will like this series due to the fact that the writing style is, well, different than your typical book. I was even hesitant to continue reading it after the first two pages. But soon enough, writing style aside, I was engrossed with the storyline. It defiantly has a twist to it than your normal girl finds love, goes through life, life can be hard story. (If you couldn't tell already I'm trying to keep away from telling you too much of the storylines with these reviews) The cast is memorable and the story goes through her life and is passed on to her children in the later books. This might be a re-readable book one day when I get bored and have nothing else to read, but I recommend that you just get it from your local library. (If they have it of course)

Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber
So far, this has been an excellent series. Though the books are kinda short I still found them enjoyable. Its, yet another, girl meets vampire books and doesn't really set out amongst the piles and piles of books like those. But still was a very enjoyable series all the same. Grab this from the shelves. Because these do have a good re-readable quality to them.

Companions of the Night by Vivian Vande Velde
I loved this book. It was a heart wrenching book that I could barely put down. (Though I couldn't read them through classes unfortunately *smiles*) Yet another vampire book (can you tell I like them?) but the ending left me in a shock and yearning for a sequel that will never exist. But still gets honorable mention. Some other good reads by Vivian Vande Velde are Heir Apparent and Tales from Brothers Grimm and Sisters Weird. I haven't even begun to put a dent into the amount of books she written, but the ones I've read are extremely good. So for now, just read them.

Blue Bloods by Melissa De La Cruz
One word to sum it up: edgy. While it has vampiric orgins, it adds a twist to the normal vampire books. It adds high class in a sense that, yes, in New York money is power. And that power is everything. It also states that all the normal vampire myths are just media ploys added to deflect attention from themselves. (Yes they eat garlic all the time) I wish I could sum this book into words that seem to make an ounce of sense, but I'm not so sure that I could do that. So just take my word, whither you know me or not, that its good. Also, be sure to read the recently released sequel Masquerade. I've yet to read it but put it under one of the sure-to-be-good-books of the summer.

Sweep series by Cate Tiernan
This 14 book series is sure to keep your summer full for at least two weeks (one week if you have books readily available and are a fast reader). It follows the learnings of a normal girl, finding out she's a witch (from extremely powerful descents), and the trials that she has to go through. Which ends up to pretty much suck and would make a normal teenager break down and cry. There are problems with the series being long though. It seems that when writing the author forgot what her character originally looked like considering that Morgan, the main character, started out with brown eyes in the beginning then ended up with hazel eyes in the end. Go figure. You'll easily find these slip ups, without even having to look for them. If you even dig around the web site you'll find a nice list composed of these slip ups. The site also has relationship lists, and even states that the idea for the series was from another author but they didn't want to write it so they got Cate Tiernan to do it for them. Fun. Its still a fun series, and I had a fun time reading the books and was even sad when I finished the 14th book. But its defiantly a check-out-of-the-library book(s).

The Truth About Forever by Sara Dessen
This is one of the few non-fantasy books that I enjoyed and that you will find in this list. It follows the trials of a girl who recently lost her father, has an asshole boyfriend, stuck doing his sucky job at the library, then finding hope through a catering service. It has emotion woven carefully through the words and you find them at completely appropriate times. This a book that is great to add to ANY collection of books. (coughcoughbuyitcough) And remember, everyone loves meatballs.

Hawksong by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
If your looking for a good read this summer you can pick up any of Amelia's books and be wowed. While her first four books revolved around vampires, the beginning of Hawksong leads you into a world full of shape shifters. So far there has been four book released and weave themselves gracefully into a series with each new book from a different persons point-of-view. They form into a story of the struggles between the serpents, birds, and falcons. (yes, falcons are birds I know. But they are part of a different clan in this series. Don't ask me) The final book (WyvernHail) is due to be released sometime this fall. So be sure to keep your eyes open for it.

For One More Day by Mitch Albom
From the maker of the wonderous story The Five People You Meet In Heaven, your pludged into a story of a man whose made so many mistakes in life that he decides that no one would notice, or even care, if he took his own life. And off he does to do so. But he's quickly stopped after the first two attempts, when he sees his long dead mother. Yes, strange no? (Hell I would find it weird if you didn't think it wasn't strange)The story goes on, but I can't say much without revealing what happening so I think I'll leave you in the dark for this one.

World Weavers: Gift of the Unmage by Alma Alexander
Released only this year I came across this book at half-price book stores (which I was actually at earlier today) hoping to find something to read considering I find it tough to find a good book nowadays. This was indeed, a good book. Thank god for randomly picking it up. Its based in a parallel world to our that's pretty much that same in every way except they get the awesome power of magic. Didn't we get jibbed huh? Well, as it turns out that not everyone can do magic and that those who can't get to go to the school for the magically incompetent. The girl's parents, in a last ditch effort, send her on a wonderous journey to hopefully see if she even has a ounce of magic within her. But this being only the first book in the series, there is more and more to discover that so far, only the author and possibly any editors know of at this moment. So look forward to a sequel some time next year.

Books That Seem Promising:

Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr (not yet released)
Vampire Kisses 4: Dance with a Vampire by Ellen Schreiber (not yet released)
Changeling by Yasmine Galenorn
Glass Houses (The Morganville Vampires) by Rachel Caine
Women of the Otherworld series by Kelley Armstrong
Master of Shadows by Janet Lorimer
The Thrall by C.T. Adams and Cathy Clamp
Prom Nights from Hell by Meg Cabot
Masquerade: A Blue Bloods Novel by Melissa De La Cruz
Sisters of Isis series by Lynne Ewing
Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer (not yet released)
WyvernHail by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes (not yet released)

Damn, damn, damn. I hate life right now. I found out two guys have crushes on me. One's a good friend of mine, the other I don't know so much. I have to put my dog down friday, becuase my dad says he's in pain or whatnot. I have so much shit going on in school I want to stab someone. I want to crawl into a little ball and cry, and I want to just be surrounded by my friends and cry. But I can't let them see me broken like that. School's almost over. Then I can break down.